Dimitry Orlov: Trolling the Pentagon

According to hearings held recently by the US Congress, the Pentagon has accumulated quite a bit of evidence of something or other of an extraterrestrial origin: sightings of aircraft or spacecraft that behave in ways that defy both current technology and, possibly, the laws of physics. Things got really interesting when it turned out that these extraterrestrials had disabled some number of US nuclear missiles. At that point the meeting was hastily adjourned and reconvened in a top-secret format later.

The Pentagon's best and brightest being confused by some puzzling evidence is neither here nor there. On the other hand, the idea that extraterrestrials would brave the vastness of interstellar space just to troll a bunch of Pentagon knuckleheads seems quite outlandish. An obvious question to ask is, Who would want to troll the Pentagon, posing as extraterrestrials, while putting US nuclear arsenal out of commission? Why, of course, that would be the Russians!

What evidence can I present in support of this claim. Why, none at all, of course. I know nothing, and if I did, I wouldn't tell you because that would be treasonous of me. But what I can do is tell you a story.

Once upon a time—a relatively short time ago, actually—some Russian engineers were drinking beer and bragging about their various technological exploits. One of them happened to be some sort of top-secret government space scientist. A question arose: Why are there so many Russian military satellite launches that are considered "test launches" and that don't seem to result in anything useful? And here's the answer: these satellites carry gamma ray guns, a.k.a. directed energy weapons, but they aren't designed to directly blow anything up. They are fine-tuned for just one task: turning weapons-grade plutonium into non-weapons-grade plutonium. These gamma ray guns are just one of the applications of "new physical principles" that Putin keeps bragging about in public. Once in a while one of these satellites zaps some bit of US nuclear arsenal and then keeps on orbiting.

It is well known that the US has lost the ability to make weapons-grade plutonium, so once the current US nuclear arsenal can be counted on to make a giant kaboom, that will put an end to Russian fears of a US nuclear attack. What's more, once the message sinks in that the US no longer has a reliable nuclear arsenal, Russia would be able to make the US behave and stop bothering the rest of the planet. Russia could turn Washington, DC and the surrounding few thousand square kilometers into a large glass plate using just a single Sarmat launch and not fear any significant retribution.

Is any of this true? Of course not! It's the extraterrestrials, I tell you! Why shouldn't you believe the Pentagon's experts, who spend hundreds of billions of dollars to keep you safe... from extraterrestrials? You certainly shouldn't trust the words of a Russian rocket scientist who had a few too many and inadvertently spilled some of the beans.

Oh, by the way, that Russian rocket scientist mentioned that the entire program was due to be terminated sometime around the end of 2021 because by then its mission will have been completed.